Well, I've got noone to talk to. At least I feel like that. It was supposed to get better after getting job right? Well I have a job but lost all friends.. I am really lonely but so scared of people that I close myself in my room on weekends and during the week I still have to go to the office due to some technical issues. But when I get everything set up then I'll work remotely and honestly then I'm gonna be so lonely. I wanted to take up a dance class but in my mind I already have scenarios. I won't have a partner so I'll be awkwardly dancing alone.. Or worse, I'll meet one guy who I had a short romance with and it would be embarrassing. The problem is, I would like to pick the class in that big dance school but there is a huuuge probability I would meet him there and I still feel guilty about that night and the shitty outcome. Then I'm scared that if I go to another school I'm gonna meet another guy I dumped.. That's one of the reasons I don't use dating apps anymore. I don't want to see guys I dumped everywhere. Yeah, so to avoid rejection or unpleasant situations I simply stay at home on my own. The problem is my room feels so sad. I ordered some new things today so that I can make it feel more like home. I also bought one plant. My only friend right now I guess. I mean, I made that choice, to isolate myself, kinda. People just disappointed me so much that I prefer being alone than feeling like a piece of shit again. Anyway, that's it for today I guess. I am lonely, feel like shit but glad I have work tomorrow at least. I'm just scared of being with people in the office. They watch me, they talk about me, they judge me, they scare me.

Borderline

 Well,

I know noone is reading this.. But still somewhere at the back of my head I hope that maybe my soulmate will read it one day. I wanted to write this post that I got diagnosed with borderline. Now I finally know why I act impulsively and irrationally which hurts me and others. I am trying to fix myself. I am attending therapy but I cannot change my personality fully. I can only learn how to control it better. I think I may be alone for the rest of my life. I don't even have friends.. They all dump me, I am never good enough for anyone. I know it's my borderline talking but I really feel so. Anyway, I will do my best to recover. Here I leave some tips for people who may suffer from borderline personality disorder and have crisis.

1.     1.  TIPP method (google it, it helps you to calm down)

2.   2. 7CUPS (website on which you can find immediate help from listeners via chat)

3.   3. Comedies (for example SISTER ACT)

4.   4. Recording your own thoughts

5.  5. Painting your nails

6.  6. Cleaning one thing (Bed, desk, drawer)

7.  7. Walk

8.   8. Doing something pleasant (lighting a candle)

9.   9. Washing your floor

      10. Writing a song

11. 11. Washing your desk

Nabeel

          Where are you Nabeel? I saw you in my dreams. I'm trying to wait for you but I'm getting impatient. Are you even real?

Sad child.

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;

 I fled Him, down the arches of the years; 

I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways 

Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears 

I hid from Him, and under running laughter. 

Up vistaed hopes I sped; 

And shot, precipitated,

 Adown Titanic glooms of chasmèd fears, 

From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.

"The Hound of Heaven" Francis Thompson

Everyday I tried to live life in a way so as not to feel the pain. But the pain did not disappear. It was there, it still is there and I'm afraid it always will be. It's like a monster that always follows you, you can escape but there comes a time when you're tired and you need a rest. You stop and look at the monster, you hug him. And he hits you in the stomach so it hurts. He can hurt you by talking to you also. Usually you run so you don't listen. But when you stop, then you hear what he's saying and your stomach starts aching and you begin to panic. You don't want to show him you're afraid because he will hit you even harder. That's my life. When I get into any close/romantic relationship the monster attacks. But then I guess I need to find something to distract him and run. Run as fast as I can. It's a real pity that studying makes it 10 times worse. I will take up work. And that is my advice to you. Work, run, do anything that makes you forget about him chasing you. I guess writing helps me too. Sometimes I wonder, do other people have feelings or is it simulation really? If you read this and feel the same way, leave a comment.